Saying it So Much Better than I Can

"And then, for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges, and absorbs the impact." - pg 106, "The History of Love" by Nicole Krauss.

There are books that we read and we recognize beauty right away. There are those, too, that take more than a few pages to strike us. And still there are those that, even months, years, after closing the back cover, we are drawn back.

This is one of those books. It took me awhile to get into this book when I bought it in 2009 on an epic "I want a book" run to Barnes and Noble. But I finished a few months ago. And I took it off my shelf tonight because Krauss so eloquently puts words to a topic that is often otherwise cliche. And, I needed to find some eloquence after a very messy, yet beautiful conversation with someone I care deeply about.

I earmarked this page because this part of the novel discusses how we, as humans, come to know feelings. We only know them when we experience them. Some feelings are easier to come by than others, and even more are hard to explain except for an abstract, singular word. Yet we know all of these feelings because we experience them - our body, our mind, our soul grabs them and never lets go.

What I know from tonight is that I found some feelings and revealed them. And now, my heart is around to absorb the impact -- while a simultaneous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. What a feeling. And yet. *There are no words.

Here's to those times when stories can say it so much better than we can - and thus, here's hoping we never forget them.

~MJ

Too Close to Home

I've finished "What is the What" and am now reading Michael Johnston's "In the Deep Heart's Core."

Reflecting on these choices, I realize:

1. We can be touched, traumatized, and otherwise affected by a narrative that is from a distant land;

2. We are even more deeply influenced by those stories that are in our "backyard"

3. And we are most profoundly touched by those narratives that directly relate to our personal experience, and thus, carve a deep place in our hearts, whether by tugging on a heartstring or further salting an open wound.

"What is the What" is definitely #1 in these categories for me. I found my jaw dropping, my heart sinking, a smile creeping, or laughter sounding in various parts of that book. The whole time, I was relying on the narrator's descriptions to fill the gaps in my imagination, and letting their words soley guide my reactions and connections.

Johnston's "In the Deep Heart's Core," I thought would be like "Waiting for Superman," a little more of #2. It would hit closer to home than Deng's story because it is in the United States and deals with a very unjust, but domestic, issue. And one that may look different in different places.

Johnston, who also happens to be the senator I'm working for this summer, is a TFA alum. He served in Greenville, Mississippi starting in 1997. This book is about his two years in the corps and experiences teaching at Greenville High.

It's roughly two hundred pages. I have read longer books in less time, but after a week, I have only muddled through about half. It's not a slow go because it's boring, too dense, or overly complicated. In fact, it's incredibly interesting, simple in its format, and easy to follow. What's hard is how much its content reminds me of experiences in my own classroom.

It reminds me of students I taught - the ones I won and the ones I lost. It reminds me of those moments where we (teachers) make classic mistakes that allow them (students) a way to turn a little something into a big something. It reminds of those painful moments when the mistakes and the ones I may lose collided, and the powerlessness and feeling of incompetence that washed over me. It reminds me of adults too worried about adult problems, and kids who grow up too fast.

In Johnston's story in Mississippi, I see mine in Oklahoma. I see trials and triumphs, but in some moments have to stop reading in order to stave off reliving moments I've buried for so long.

This book does #3 to a tee. I am so wound up in this book, but feel my heartstrings going taut and the pieces of my heart that have broken tearing just a little bit more. It rocks me to my core, which is why I think it's a worthwhile read, it's just not one I can take lightly. I can't flip through the pages in anticipation of what's next, because it feels like I know it. Like I know what successes or failures lie around the corner and I have to mentally prepare myself for what's next. There is little surprise, but plenty of shock; and it's a story I've felt, I've tasted, I've sweated and bled through. For as powerful as Deng's story is, I don't know what it's like to be a Lost Boy of Sudan. But, for Johnston's story, I've been a teacher in a tough place and felt for my kids in the way that he did. I know the happiness of a kid's win, and my heart breaks a little more when I know adversity may be too hard to tackle in a moment.

I guess the difference is between empathy and sympathy. Great stories generate both in us, but the ones that most profoundly influence us are the ones that hit close to home. When we can empathize and literally see ourselves in the character's shoes. When we don't need to know it's real because it's in the nonfiction section. When we know that "fiction" isn't always separate from "truth."

For my own sanity, I need to read a mix of 1s, 2s, and 3s...and even the occasional "this means nothing to me except it's entertaining" story. Otherwise, it would take me months to get through the shortest of books. And years to digest and reconcile both the reality and narrative reality.

The best part? At least we can tell stories, read them, and live them. Talk about them, reflect on them, and sometimes escape with them. The good news is, there's some degree of impact in every story - and it's up to us readers what we want to do with it.

So, what do I do with Johnston's story? It's good therapy to talk with other teachers about our similar experiences, and I'm teetering on the edge of giving it to some first year teachers I know (to show that this is tough work, but there are victories...or, completely drive them out of teaching). What I do know that fr as much as its affected me, it's giving a me a lot - in reflection, in appreciation, and hope. Yes, hope. Because for as tough as it was at times in Greenville, like it was in Tulsa, Johnston found wins with his kids and has made a name for himself in the world of education. If anything, my time is coming - perhaps it's right around the corner.

Oh, the joys of reading.

~MJ

Earmarks: What is the What

These two clips from "What is the What" most saliently relate to my personal and professional work. I am passionate about children's rights, especially when it comes to quality education. I not only value education, but believe it is the key to freedom in all capacities. Before I expound too much, I'd rather the words of Dave Eggers and Valentino Achak Deng tell you my beliefs about the power of children and of education:

"You have nothing now, nothing but education. Don't you see this? Our country is in shambles, and the only way to reclaim it is to learn! Our independence was stolen from us due to the ignorance of our ancestors, and only you can correct it. Many of you no longer have mothers. You have lost your fathers. But you have education. Here, if you are smart enough to accept it, you will be educated. Education wil be your mother. Education will be your father. While your older brothers fight this war with guns, you will fight the next war with pens." -page 297

"Humans are divided between those who can still look through the eyes of youth and those who cannot." -page 116

My .2:

If Deng's teacher at his fist refugee camp, Mr. Konduit, cannot convince you of the power of education - I don't know who can. My grandmother engrained variations of this message all throughout my upbringing. My mother echoed her sentiments. And both pushed me to make the most of my education and did their best to ensure I could. If it hadn't been for them, or for the handful of teachers that also communicated this message to me, who knows where I would be today? It's a message so much a part of my D.N.A that I brought it with me into teaching and tried my best to reiterate it to my students as often and as clearly as possible. Education breeds knowledge, skills, and just a new awareness of the world. It allows us to grapple with our identities, confront, deconstruct, and build new perspectives - it breaks down barriers of ignorance and provides the tools to knock out oppression. When we let it, education guides us, gives us hope, builds our faith, and gives us a foundation for understanding the world around us. Sometimes, we are frustrated by the pain we find in the world as we learn, and the pain we experience in some of that - but overall, we begin to understand that despite challenges, we are better because we are educated and that we can right some of the world's wrongs because we have a beacon of hope. For these reasons, this passage had a great impact on me, especially in the context of Sudan's war and the issues Deng has to face as a child.

The second earmark reminded me that all too often, adults lose sight of children. In our efforts to run schools, build businesses, and in many cases initiate and/or participate in conflicts (local or global), we forget that 1) children will listen, and 2) children are following our lead into their generation. What lessons should we be teaching them? That war is ok? That death, even violent death, is part of a natural order? That white collar crime in the name of profit is acceptable? That morals can be ignored for the sake of a news story? Every day, adults make decisions that affect kids, but rarely remember that children are there. I think this passage also speaks to the idea that adults are in the business of things like education reform - a movement that not only influences but dramatically impacts kids. But sometimes, we treat issues in the movement as adult problems, not as ones that impact kids. Think of the arguments about teacher tenure, evaluations, and merit pay; think about how kids' test scores are counted for or against a teacher, and how the system forces teachers to favor the students that "count" for the state. There is a whole cascade of problems that adults address on adult terms - forgetting that kids have a voice, too. I think the key to navigating the depths of some of these problems is to welcome the perspective of children, and even for small moments, see their world through their eyes.

These are just two examples of clips from this book that so greatly reaffirm aspects of my worldview, while also challenging and adding to my history knowledge base and awareness of global issues.

This is why I love reading.

~MJ