A Way.

You know those lyrics to "My Way," as sung by Frank Sinatra? I think my previous description was missing something.

There's a tinge of regret to the song, isn't there? The idea is that doing it "my way" made life what it was, full of achievements and failures, triumphs and regrets that, in retrospect, seem silly. But the suggestion is that "my way" was the way one went, and there seems an underlying question: was that the best way? Who did I leave behind? What didn't I do?

Clearly, there were other roads to travel: opposing or not-so-opposing choices to be had. Robert Frost didn't write about two diverging paths in the wood for no reason; every day we make choices that carve our path and define us for a lifetime.

Sometimes, those decisions aren't big ones, or very clear ones - but, the culmination of many of these can not only be defining, but hard to change. We obviously can't change where we've traveled, but it's often hard to make decisions to alter the path ahead. There is uncertainty, doubt, and a lack of clarity - we don't know that path as well, so it's hard not only to grasp what it is but how we handle it.

Is it clear by now that I'm at one of those moments in life where it seems completely necessary to stand back and try to see the bigger path picture?
To cringe at what I've done wrong, where I misstepped, and wallow in regret?
To affirm that there is a way to fix the wrongs, to alter the path ahead - all the while longing for the chance to just start over?
Remembering all the signs as clear as day -
Monday morning quarter back at its best.
To be frustrated by what others are and are not doing, saying,
To be stifled by what is out of my control.
To realize, although painfully, that the past cannot be changed
but the future may be harder to change yet.

Fortunately and unfortunately, My Way is the only way I know. Until I teach myself new ways and challenge myself to be better. I can't rely on anyone else to change my path, no matter how much I want them to guide the way. I can accept that the universe has its plan, but that I am a key player in my plan, and only I can make a difference.

Verbalizing, writing, this acceptance is one thing. Finding a way to act on this acceptance, to actually learn from it and close that gap between "my way" and the "best way," is a whole other act in and of itself. I can say I am committed to bettering myself, but measuring that is tricky.

I always keep this quote from Emerson in my head, and I feel like my first step to finding my best way is to actually make this happen every day in my life:

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one person breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

Here's my plan: to do the best I can every day.
To think before speaking.
To speak my feelings with humility.
To look within myself for answers before seeking another's opinion.
To expect of others what I expect of myself.
To clearly set those expectations, and accept that I cannot control the actions of others.
To be grateful for opportunities and accept them as they come.
To be reflective and conscientious.
To keep my word.

It's not about doing each of these things every day, but being careful not to do the opposite. This visualization may help me. We'll see. It's a step in a direction I hope will be positive for me.

Small steps (yet another good book by Louis Sachar).

Maybe the time I spend on the phone should be spent in a library or buried in a book instead?

Just a thought on a new course of action.

~MJ